Truly, 90 percent of the time we’re just thinking, “Please do something with my b-alls,” and, “Awesome,” but let’s get weird with the other 10 percent.
1. Yeah, she’s about to put my penis in her mouth. OK, play it cool, don’t force it. Just let it happen. OK, YEAH, I AM GETTING A BL0W J0B THIS IS AMAZING THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE I’M GOING TO CALL MY FAMILY (I’M NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO CALL MY FAMILY).

2. Wait, can she see my butt’hole right now? What does it look like? I’m realizing I’ve never seen my own b -utthole and it’s kind of freaking me out. I’m going to get a mirror after this and check it out. No, I’m not. I’m going to leave this one a mystery.
3. What does my p*nis taste like?
4. This is great, but it would be better if I pulled at her hair really hard and started mouth-f*cking her brains out. Oh, it doesn’t look like she likes it. That’s w -eird. I don’t understand why.
5. Do you remember that time your d0g got really sick, and you had to put it to sleep, and the way it — WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW YOU ARE LITERALLY GETTING A BL((W J0B.
6. Am I taking too long? No, probably not. I’m sure she doesn’t mind.
7. *High-fiving self in my own mind. Two of me are running toward each other in an open field, Sound of Music-style, high-fiving the fuck out of each other.*
8. She’s really good at this. Wait, is she too good at this? No. No, she is just the right amount of good at this.
9. I sort of feel like I have to come, but I don’t want to tell her too early and have her stop. No, I’m definitely going to come. Tell her! OK, wait, no — I don’t have to come yet. Alright, dude, you just yelled “I’mgonnac—” and stopped yourself by turning it into a weird grunt/m0an hybrid. I don’t think she noticed.
10. Ok, now I’m really going to come. I have to make sure I say it really sexy, though. I don’t want to ruin the mood. Ok, great. I said it and I think that sounded like a r0bot voice but at least she knows.
11. Oh, awesome. She swallowed it. NO, DON’T TRY AND KISS ME.
12. I’m going to sleep.